Work Work Work!!

I’m incredibly sorry for not blogging at all the past couple of weeks but I’ve been super busy. I find this time of year incredibly stressful and so other things have taken top priority over my blog!

I haven’t really spoken about my work life on here because what I am doing at the moment is seasonal and so when I’m not working the last thing I want to be doing is talking about it! However, the working season is vast approaching and I feel like I should talk about how I cope with my anxiety in the workplace.

I started my first job in 2014 and I couldn’t have asked for a better job as a 16 year old. I was part of a catering team within a children’s adventure park called ‘BeWILDerwood’ and I loved it. It was so much fun and it never felt like I was going to work. Everyone within the catering department was of a similar age and therefore we all got on so well. It wasn’t easy for me at times as I was shy and didn’t always feel like I fitted in. At the beginning I was continuously feeling like I wasn’t good enough and that everyone was judging me for that. It knocked my confidence and I really struggled to come out of my shell. I wasn’t comfortable with talking about my feelings and therefore never expressed any of my anxieties and fears with my colleagues or supervisors, which made it really difficult when I felt an anxiety attack coming on. This job was seasonal and ended in October, to then be picked up again in February. After my first season I was convinced that I wasn’t good enough to be asked back, but to my surprise I was. The second year I felt more confident in my abilities and I was much more comfortable with my surroundings. I soon became a supervisor which was a total shock but such a confidence boost. It really made me feel appreciated and capable, feelings that I would so often question. Becoming a supervisor inevitably lead to me having more responsibilities, which I really struggled with to begin with. I found it difficult to discipline anyone, I was scared of how people viewed me as a supervisor and I was continuously questioning whether I was the right person for the role. It was hard to talk to anyone about these feelings because I felt pretty pathetic, however when I finally opened up I was given the reassurance that I truly needed to help me excel in my job role. I made so many more friends and I truly became comfortable in my surroundings. I still had my bad days, but I was able to cope with them much better.

At the age of 18 I realised that I couldn’t live in my little, what I liked to call,  ‘BeWilderbubble’ anymore and had to start looking for another job. I’d been putting it off for a good few months because the thought of an interview process absolutely terrified me. I couldn’t handle the thought of having to be interviewed, getting the job and then having to settle in to an unfamiliar environment. I would break out in panic every time I thought about it until I realised that I really did not have a choice. I pushed myself to go to an interview at our local hospital for a job in their café as I thought catering would be the best route for me. I knew that nothing would be like my previous job, but at least a café would have some similarities and I wouldn’t be completely starting from scratch. I spent so much time preparing for the interview, yet when the time came my mind went blank. My dad dropped me off at the interview and it took me 20 minutes just to get out of the car. I was a shaking, nervous wreck and I felt like nobody would ever want to hire me. My dad and boyfriend were absolutely starts and calmed me down and encouraged me to go, continuously reminding me that if it didn’t go well then it didn’t matter. It’s hard to hear that because at that time you feel like your world is going to come crashing down if you don’t get this specific job. I was still shaking when I walked in, however I was instantly calmed when offered a warm drink before my interview. Much to my delight the café was a Costa and therefore I picked one of their amazing hot chocolates and felt a little more at ease.

I got the job!! I started working for Costa a month later and it was totally different to what I expected. I started on 3 days a week, but within a month of being with them they decided to up my hours. The shifts that I was put on varied a fair bit, which didn’t really help me mentally. I struggled to cope with how tired I would become and all the emotions I was feeling alongside that. It made things difficult between me and my boyfriend because I wasn’t able to process the change in how much we saw one another. Don’t get me wrong, we spent every moment of our time outside of work together BUT my head kept telling me that it wasn’t good enough. It lead to me being incredibly needy and always calling him on my breaks, before I started my shift, once I’d finished my shift and it just wasn’t healthy. For some reason I just felt like he wouldn’t like me anymore if I wasn’t around, which was so silly of me but I just couldn’t help it. As the months went by I became a lot better at controlling my emotion. We would be in contact at some point during the day, but if we weren’t it wasn’t as much of a big deal to me anymore. This was such a huge step for me because I’m such a dependent person and I want to change that. As much as I love him, I didn’t want my mood at work to be dependent on whether we had spoken or not. ((actually sounding like a psycho girlfriend right now but I promise you I’m not)). I soon became a Team Leader and much like BeWILDerwood I took on more responsibilities. It was really difficult for me at first because I was only 18 and hadn’t been in the job long. Other employees questioned my capability and some who were older and had been there longer felt as though they should have been given the job. This was hard to deal with purely because they just didn’t want to listen to me after that. I understood how they were feeling and I felt terrible, I felt like I had taken a job from underneath their feet and it made the environment very uncomfortable. I would cry for hours before and after work because I just felt like no one wanted me around. Kieran (my partner) would have to witness all these breakdowns and he hated it. He finally convinced me to speak to my manager about how I was feeling and the impact it was having on me at work. I was so scared, I thought she wouldn’t understand and most importantly I thought she would see me as a weak Team Leader. I thought that by going to her and expressing all these feelings she would doubt her decision and my worst fears would be proven right. I was completely wrong and she was incredibly supportive, she never once doubted her decision and for that I am so grateful. I remained a Team Leader there for a year until I had another job opportunity arise that I couldn’t turn down.

My boyfriend (Kieran) and his best friend (Adam) were OPENING A CAFE. Oh my gosh it was the most exciting news and I was so excited for them both. I was even more excited when they asked if I wanted to be part of their team. Of course I wanted to, more than anything! Me and Kieran worked together at ‘BWood’ so I knew that we would be just fine, and me and Adam got on really well so there wasn’t going to be any problems there! I felt so lucky that this opportunity had kind of just landed in my lap and I was so quick to jump on it. I handed in my notice at Costa and then helped the boys get ready for opening. The whole process has been the most stressful thing I have done to date, however it has been totally worth it. I’ve loved training the boys to be Barista’s like me just as much as I’ve loved them teaching me how to cook. It hasn’t all been sunshine and lollipops though. When we first started out we never knew if we would be successful or not. We had a couple of really bad days in the café where we just couldn’t get things right. Orders were going wrong and then taking too long to go to customers, customers weren’t happy with the wait and we had all spent so much time together that I think we just started to get on each others nerves. Amongst all of the chaos of starting a new business, I was also receiving my first ever professional health care for my anxiety and depression. I was doing sessions of CBT, counselling and was switching medications so my head was a little fried and overwhelmed. I had days in the café where I couldn’t bring myself to talk to customers because I was so terrified that I was going to make a mistake. To me it felt like any mistake I made would ruin things for the boys and I really didn’t want to do that. I had become more confident in the kitchen and therefore I slowly started to withdraw myself from interactions with customers. I felt like if I kept myself to myself and just done the cooking, nothing could go wrong. The more I done this, the worse it got for me as I was putting too much pressure on myself. I had talked myself out of communicating with customers so much that I felt like I could never go out and serve them again, which meant I had to really excel in the kitchen. This just then spiralled for me because if I made a mistake in the kitchen I felt like I had no place I could go. I felt like I was going to fail out the front and I felt like I was failing in the kitchen so it lead to me feeling like I didn’t belong. It’s really hard to explain that to the people you work with, especially if they are your best friends and owners of the business all in one. However, my CBT and counselling taught me ways to manage these negative feelings and how to channel them into something positive. As the sessions went on, I learnt new coping mechanisms. My medication and dosage was finally right for me and therefore I felt as though I was in a better place. I was able to take criticism rather than feeling like I was being personally attacked and my confidence slowly began to grow again. I still struggle with serving customers and my aim for the next season is to push myself and do more front of house stuff in order to battle my anxieties rather than running from them. It really helps that I am surrounded by such wonderful people at the café and they all understand how I feel. Talking to people and letting them know when you’re feeling anxious really is the key, otherwise you end up making work life really difficult for yourself.

The café has been closed for the winter and we are reopening on March the 16th and I can’t wait to go in to this year with a different mind set and different ways to cope. I feel as though I have come so far since I got my first job and although I am faced with different anxieties daily, I now know ways to help me ease them. Anxiety in the workplace is incredibly challenging and will never truly go away. I still have mornings where I lay in bed and question what I’m doing and whether I’m capable or not, but you have to persevere and not let those anxieties stop you from achieving what you want in life. Do not let anxiety swallow you whole.

I have rambled so much and therefore if you’ve actually reached this part of the post then I applaud you. I haven’t spoken about all the anxieties I have felt and faced whilst being at work as I wouldn’t know how to put that all in to words. However, I am always willing to speak to anyone about it if they feel as though they can relate and maybe need some advice on work anxiety or anxiety in general. I do this blog mainly for myself as I feel as though it’s important for me to write down how I feel but if it helps even just one person then I will be so happy.

Em x

Phone Anxiety

One of my MOST annoying anxieties has to be my phone anxiety. It drives me up the wall and it’s something that I feel like I have absolutely no control over! I hate it, it’s so silly and the fact that it exists infuriates me.

I cannot for the life of me make a phone call. Well, I mean I can, but my head doesn’t like it and my body seems to have a meltdown. I have never been a confident person and therefore I put my unwillingness to make phone calls down to that for many many years. I’d find any excuse not to make a call and my mum would always do it for me. As a 13 year old, I thought it was just normal to not make phone calls yourself. I mean, who actually enjoys making phone calls, right? I only started to recognise that it was a problem when I was 16 and crying my eyes out and nearly puking in the toilet all because my mum refused to call the doctors for me. That’s when I became aware that it wasn’t just nerves, it wasn’t just a dislike for phone calls, it was a full on panic attack at the fear of the unknown. That’s what it’s been put down to, the fear of the unknown. My counsellor said that the fear of not knowing who i’m talking to, what questions are going to be asked, whether I will be able to communicate with the individual clearly or not were all signs suggesting that it’s the unknown that I was terrified of. It made sense when it was explained to me like that, but it didn’t fix it. I still remained terrified and I still really do struggle to make a phone call. It proved incredibly difficult to seek professional help when I wouldn’t make the necessary phone calls and would only communicate via email. I’m much better when it’s with people I know, but when I am unaware of who is going to be on the other end I still shut down. People don’t tend to understand it and it would make the whole situation a lot worse. When you have people making comments such as “you’re never going to cope when you move out if you can’t even make a simple phone call”, it tends to make you feel incredibly pathetic. ((It’s important to know that the last thing you are is pathetic)). I don’t blame anyone for not understanding as I get that anxiety can be difficult to comprehend if you haven’t experienced it. I understand that it looks like I just can’t be bothered or that I’m being lazy but it’s really not that. Trying to explain to someone that something so easy to them is so difficult for me can be difficult at the best of times. People are understanding it more now, but I think that’s because anxiety is understood a lot more as a mental health issue rather than just ‘being nervous’ about something.

I took such a big step today and called an insurance company to insure my car. It’s such a small thing, a phone call that so many people wouldn’t batter an eyelid over. Not me, it’s taken me 3 days to finally make the call. 3 days of stressing about a phone call that only I could make. 3 days of going over and over what I’m going to say, making notes and writing out a script to ensure that I don’t mess up. 3 very mentally exhausting days for a phone call that would only last 15 minutes. I finally made the call about an hour ago and it went fine. That’s the thing, it was absolutely fine. There were no problems with miscommunication, I fully understood what was being said and the lady was absolutely lovely. This is almost always the case with every phone call that I get worked up about yet my brain still won’t put two and two together and I still completely clam up when it comes to making another call. It’s something I’m really trying to work on, because at the age of 21 I really do not want to be avoiding making phone calls. I know that it will be ok, I know that nothing terrible will ever happen yet it’s like someone flicks a switch in my head that triggers a sudden uncontrollable panic. I’ve been given ways to help control this panic and I’m slowly getting there but I think phone calls will always be something that I am never completely ok with. Making notes prior to a phone call is definitely something I recommend to anyone that may struggle in similar ways to me. It makes you feel more prepared and eases that anxiety. It doesn’t make it vanish as you’ll never feel completely prepared but it definitely helps.

I’ve come to terms with my anxiety and it’s unpredictability, however I can not and will not allow it to take over my day to day life. I have to remind myself that things will be ok, and if they aren’t, what’s the worst that can happen? Someone who I will never speak to again will think I’m a bit of a muppet over the phone? Who cares, they’ll forget about the call by tomorrow. That’s what I have to keep telling myself.

I guess this blog post is just trying to highlight anxiety in all it’s glory. The little things that it makes you feel and the way it can get in your head and make simple things so difficult. People experience their anxieties in different ways and so shouldn’t be judged when it rears it’s ugly head over the ‘smallest things’. Something that is simple to you could feel like the end of the world to someone else. I’m proud of myself for making that phone call today, really proud. I managed to fight off all those thoughts and make the call and that’s such an accomplishment for me. I’m hoping to hold onto this feeling so that when the next phone call comes around I’m prepared and ready to make it.

Em x

 

 

Time To Talk 2018

So, here in the UK we have a dedicated “Time To Talk” day, which is today! This day takes place on the first Thursday of every February in order to raise awareness of mental health and to encourage people to talk. This campaign was first introduced in 2014 and over the years has become more well known. It’s talked about in schools, on social media and within work places to encourage those with or without mental health disorders to speak out and talk about those ‘tricky’ topics we tend to avoid.

This is such a huge step in battling the stigma attached to mental illnesses and it allows the whole nation to come together and talk about all things mental health. As I’ve logged on to social media today I have seen so many posts about it, it’s all over my Twitter feed, my Facebook timeline and a simple search on google brings up thousands of results. I find it amazing seeing so many people offer their support to those suffering and I wish that these sorts of days existed when I was struggling to speak out. It just goes to show that slowly but surely, we are tackling mental health stigma and more and more people are acknowledging its existence.

This kind of campaign aims to help those that are afraid to speak out by showing them that they are not alone and that people do care. It’s so important to talk about the things you are going through, whether its with a family member, a colleague, a healthcare professional or a friend. There are always people that are willing to listen and help! It’s super scary making that step, but society is slowly becoming more accepting and people very rarely react the way you’re scared that they will. I hated it, talking about how I was feeling was my biggest fear, it made me feel so vulnerable. I now know that actually I was more vulnerable alone than after I reached out and got the help I needed. I have some amazing people in my life that I can talk to when I need to and it’s a huge weight lifted off of my chest. I was so scared that people wouldn’t understand or that they wouldn’t want to be close to me anymore but I was completely wrong. They help me in so many ways and I am forever grateful for their presence in my life.

I really couldn’t put any more emphasis on speaking out and making that step towards helping yourself. Campaigns such as Time To Talk really do give you that motivation to let your guard down and speak freely about your emotions without judgement. If you don’t know how to say how you feel or you don’t know where to turn, speak to someone on an online forum or chat. They have some of the most wonderful advice and you’re able to remain completely anonymous. There are so many options out there so it’s important to do what’s best for you. You just have to remember that running away or hiding from your illness will never be the answer.

This website goes into so much detail about the Time To Talk campaign and also offers plenty of information surrounding mental health disorders in general – it is definitely worth a look! Whether you’re from the UK or not, this campaign is for everyone and the more people that are aware of it the better!

Em x

 

Know your illness

For me, the most important thing I could do was know my illness. I hate not being in control, the thought of no control sends me into a crazy spiral of mixed emotions and it never ends well. The only way I could help myself understand what was going on inside my head was to do my research.

During high school, I completely went about this the wrong way. I’d set up a private Tumblr account which my friends had access to and I used that as a blog. I would sit for hours and hours on end reading through other people’s blogs, however I never went through anything positive. I never looked at people who were seeking help, I would continuously look for justification that I could feel the way I did without having to seek any help from anyone. This was so unhealthy, and in fact I think it made me worse. Im not saying that this is bad for everyone, but there were so many triggers that I couldn’t help but read and get caught up in. This was my way of coping at the time and now it just angers and embarrasses me that I ever went down that path.

I studied Health and Social Care at a-level and i’ve never been more appreciative of a subject in my whole life. The course was 50/50, half coursework and half exam, and luckily for me one of the main coursework topics was mental health. I never picked this subject thinking that it would help me mentally, I picked it because it really interested me and I loved the amount of coursework involved. In order to achieve the grades I wanted, I had to put as much effort that was humanly possible into my coursework as I tend to flop when it comes to exams. This was a god send when it came to the mental health topic. I knew about mental health and I thought I was quite educated in the area, however this course taught me that there is ALWAYS something new to learn. I done hours upon hours of research into different mental illnesses, the way mental health is portrayed in the media, the nature vs nurture debate and it really helped me admit that I may have a mental illness. I’d written essays about anxiety, bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, bulimia and I felt like my brain was going to explode. I’d obtained all this new information and some if it just felt so familiar, some of it just really hit home. I educated myself on all of the charities that were available and what their services could provide, which was very useful information a couple of years later. I got my coursework handed in and I didn’t really think twice about it, but it’s all still up in that little brain of mine. One statistic that will never leave me is that an average of 6 million people living in the UK have an anxiety disorder, 6 million! It just goes to show that you are never alone, and there are always people out there that have felt the way you feel and they are more than happy to help.

The information I learnt enabled me to be more open minded towards others and mainly helped me understand that it’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok to have bad days and its ok to get anxious. What’s not ok is when you deal with it in unhealthy ways and keep it hidden until you break. Get as much help as early on as you can! It wont fix you, it will never go away, but it sure as hell provides you with much better ways of coping. 

The two websites that really helped me when I was getting to know my illness were both mind and the NHS. I understand that these are both UK based charities, however i’m sure other countries offer a similar equivalent. If not, there are plenty of useful sites on google that are full of helpful information, don’t be afraid to look around!

• Mind
• NHS access to services

Know your illness and take back control!

Em x

The Beginning

I’ve always been the type of person that is far better at explaining themselves through words on a screen rather than face to face, which is why i’ve decided to start writing a blog. This blog is nothing serious and the decision to set it up is solely based on the fact that I feel as though it will be beneficial for my mental health. I’ve never done anything like this before so it’s a big step and I have absolutely no idea where to start! I should probably start with my name, which is Emma, I grew up in Norfolk and i’ve been battling with my mental health for several years now.

My earliest memory of myself struggling with anything regarding mental health was when I was 11 years old. I was being prepared for High School and something about that just didn’t feel right for me. The thought of going to a bigger school with a much larger group of people and not knowing where I would fit in absolutely terrified me. The butterflies that I was feeling in my stomach weren’t the average butterflies and I just could not understand what was going on. My sleeping pattern changed, as did my eating habits and I didn’t know how to explain this feeling to anyone, so I didn’t. That was the first of many, many mistakes i’ve made in regards to my mental health. I was 11 and not realising that all these feelings weren’t just your usual ‘starting a new school’ nerves, it was anxiety and I had no clue how much this mental illness would impact the years to come.

Throughout my years at high school, I tried to brush it off but there was always something there in the back of my mind that I just could not put my finger on. As my years at high school went by I became so incredibly self conscious. I hated the way I looked, from the way my hair would never sit right to how big and broad my shoulders were. I began to criticise every little thing about me to a point where I would make notes of things each day when I got home. “Today you wore a jumper that was too big and it made you look huge” “Your hair doesn’t look right like that, you should dye it” “You stumbled on your words when talking and you made yourself look stupid” “You went red when the teacher asked you to read, wear make up to cover it next time”. This then just became a habit, which I didn’t think twice about. I never thought it was unhealthy and I never thought I had a mental illness. I had completely managed to convince myself that this was a normal way to act and that I don’t need to change this. Things started to change when close friends started to notice all these things happening. They would try and help but I would continuously push them away. Like I said, I was convinced that nothing was wrong and that everyone feels like that at times, and so I continuously rejected help. When I slowly started to realise that there might actually be a problem, it was one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to admit. The worst part of it was that I didn’t just have to admit it to myself, but I had to admit it to those that i’d pushed away.

Even though I finally admitted to myself that nothing I was feeling was right and that it couldn’t be brushed aside, I still really struggled telling anyone. I just became withdrawn and stopped talking about how I was feeling. I look back on my time at sixth form now and I absolutely hate how I acted. I would take off mid lesson, shout at people that cared, get drunk at lunch, disappear for hours and it was all because I felt like nobody cared or because I felt like I was going to fail and therefore shouldn’t waste my time on trying. I would be hysterically crying and begging my college not to go to my parents regularly. I can tell you now that people did care, and I didn’t fail, I done very well considering what was going on in my mind.

Once i’d achieved my a-levels, I started to feel slightly better about myself. I still hated the way I looked and was still conscious of how others viewed me, but I no longer felt any pressure. I wasn’t going to uni and I was loving the job that I was in, and therefore I decided that I didn’t ever need to see a health care professional. I told myself that things were better, it must’ve just been something I was going through and that other people need the help way more than I do. I had no idea that all the feelings i’d previously had could come flooding back at any time because i’d pushed them so far back that I forgot they were even there.

I left sixth form in 2015, and finally went to my GP about my health in 2017. Since leaving sixth form many things had happened. I was still working at Bewilderwood (my first ever job) and had become supervisor, I had passed my driving test, I’d also had my first ever car crash, and I met one of my best friends who very quickly became my boyfriend. We got on like a house on fire and he could make me laugh for hours. Our relationship was full on from the start, we spent all of our free time together, and I couldn’t of been happier to do so. He was the first person that got to properly know me and i’d never been that close to anyone before. He cared for me and loved me like no one else has and it’s him that helped me realise that I couldn’t fight this battle alone. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me, so when my mental health started to impact our relationship I only had one option. In the beginning, it felt like I was being forced to seek help and I hated that. I wanted to be in control, I wanted to fix things by myself, so to have someone so close to me tell me that they thought I should seek professional help, it was a very hard pill to swallow. I swallowed my pride and took myself to the GP, in which I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was prescribed anti-depressants for the mean time whilst I waited for a CBT referral. I was lucky enough to receive my CBT very quickly, but was told by my therapist that he believed CBT wasn’t what I needed. I was then put on the waiting list for counselling, which I personally much preferred and felt much more comfortable with. My counsellor was lovely and I didn’t realise how much easier it would be to speak to someone completely neutral, it upset me that I hadn’t done it sooner.

I had finally taken that step of seeking professional help, a step that I should’ve taken many years ago. It has helped me massively and I really want to encourage everyone to go get that help. I know how hard it is but it is beyond worth it. No, it doesn’t go away. It’s a year later and I still have my bad days, but there are a hell of a lot less of them and they are much easier to manage.

So i’ve rambled as per usual but that’s me up to speed with everything! I can’t put any more emphasis on the fact that mental health is serious, and should be treated like any other illness. Never be afraid to speak out and get the help that you well and truly deserve!

Em x